mystère

It’s not new year yet, but as I was reflecting on the things that has happened this year, I realized that I learned so much about life, about myself. For that, I’m grateful for how things went on. 

In the beginning of 2011, I’ve been wondering about how I actually have no idea what I want in life. I want to do so many things, that I end up feeling stuck in one thing I think I’ll be happy. I haven’t thought of exploring other possibilities, I’ve settled down to what I have. I have dance, and I have plates. Usually, the latter is sacrificed for the former - and I don’t even know why.

I had no life. And I was OK with that.

A lot of people would ask me if I was happy - I was OK, but I don’t know if I’m happy, ‘cause I’m not sad. I guess I’m not really good at perceiving what I really feel, so I ended up confused. I’ve been confused for a whole year, thinking, that being in this group is a once in a lifetime oppurtunity. Lot’s of people wanted to be here, but they didn’t get in. I feel like I’ll be wasting a good chance of fulfilling my dreams - though I don’t know exactly what my dreams are.

I go home late, and tired. I’ve skipped people’s 18th birthdays, even my own 18th for this. I’ve been absent for most events in my family. I’ve sacrificed going to mass every Sunday because of the occassional Sunday trainings. I’ve started to lose touch with God - even after that, I still don’t know what I want.

Come the end of the semester - I’ve learned that I failed 2 subjects. One with always being late, and the other with fugly neglected plates - all my fault, and I’ve never imagined myself failing in a course I really wanted to take. At first I blamed my prof for not informing us the number of absences allowed, and then I resented my other prof for neglecting us, and not returning our previous plates for us to improve on them…but in the end, I still failed due to my shortcomings. 

Boy, no one thinks I was really THAT upset. But, I was, most specifically, my self-esteem and ego was. 

Then I realized that 2 failing marks means that I have to leave my dance troupe. I was sad, not because I didn’t want to leave, I was sad because everything I have sacrificed was for nothing - sayang.

And after that, I honestly felt free. Like I’ve been limited to do so many things and now, I can do what I want!! I can sleep all day, polish my nails, go home early, join other orgs, and be active in them.

Most importantly, I’ve come to seek God more, especially when I’m down. I’ve spent my summer serving a youth camp where I used to participate, and being in an immersion of sorts - where we had morning and evening prayers, we had talks, and we had an outreach to orphaned children. It was the most enlightening summer of my life.

I’ve come to realized that everything was so coincidental, that I’ve felt that maybe God has other plans for me. I shouldn’t be afraid to venture out and explore new things. 

Second year began with me unsure about myself. Uncertain of what I’ll do next. I have so much time for the first time in my life. Meeting new people was awfully hard, and I was beginning to think I’ve lost touch of the outside world. Nevertheless, I did a lot of things that wouldn’t have been possible in a different circumstance:

1. I became active in a religious org, called Christ’s Youth in Action - it helped me a lot in coping with my self-doubts and insecurities. I started to share my music with them. I realized that making music was one of the things I want to do, I was just not sure about it. But, there’s no harm done in sharing it, and discovering that people actually like it. My music was exclusive to that community, for I know I won’t be judged by these people. 

2. I joined a music org, and I met awesome musicians. They inspired me greatly and I’m forever grateful to them

3. My friend, who is the student council PRO asked me to be his executive assistant, I wasn’t so sure, but based on my inability to say no, I said yes. During the 1st sem, I had no idea what I’m supposed to do and I rarely show up, and all I say is a curt hi to the council, and then nothing afterwards. However, on the second sem, we started to prepare for the college week and college pageant. I started to gain more of my friendly vibes, and be more relaxed with them. 

4. Second sem, I met my block in my back subject. I’m more confident now. And I’ve started to have fun with them. :)

5. I have more time with my college barkada, and got a chance to know them more. ANDDD. hahahaha. :)

6. I was able to go to Loren’s when she went back to the Philippines, and got back with my high school mateys. :)

I know there’s more, but, I’ve written enough. HAHA.

So, thank you, Lord, for making me rethink of where I’m going. :)